sucked in & over my head

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I’ve been a shitty mom for the last 12 months. I’ve put my iPhone my iPad & my computer & social media & my e-mail in front of my beloved family, all in the name of MLM. It’s my fault, not MLM’s fault & I take full responsibility.

I’ve always claimed to have put my kids 1st & my husband 1st, but my actions proved otherwise. Not proud of that. I was halfway there & halfway not. I was there, but my mind was elsewhere. My phone was always within reach!

As of a few days ago, I threw in the towel. I’m done putting everything else before my family. Being a mom is a verb, not a noun. & I was not being the mom I wanted to be, you see- I got caught up – I got sucked in & I’m turning this life of mine around, one bubble blowing session at a time. I’ll be playing with play doh, coloring, & building with legos. This time is precious & important & I chose this SAHM life. I left teaching to be present & attentive & that’s what I’m going to do & be.

Broke down crying in front of my therapist, the other day admitting that I’d become addicted to my phone. & she said something profound: “Our phones have become an epidemic, a huge distraction from what truly matters the most & those that matter the most to us.”

It wasn’t until my husband & I chatted, really chatted, that I realized MLM had sucked me in & I became obsessed with it & with this infatuation, I became an absent mom & an absent wife. I absolutely lost my way, but I’m finding my way back. I’m starting over. I get a do over.

I think people think I’m a good mom, but I truly turned into a mom I thought I’d never be- grouchy, money hungry, busy with calls & meetings & parties & texts & e-mails & video sending & long trainings & conventions & deadlines & selling & sampling & hounding my friends (you know who you are & I’m sorry, so sorry) & worst of all, comparing. Comparison is the thief of joy & I was not the exception.

It was all my doing. It all got to be too much for me- too much competing & competition & he said/ she said & a lot of rejection & feeling down & more comparing. My anxiety increased, a lot.

I release it all, today, in the name of being a more present parent. When I am present, really present, my kids don’t have tantrums as often, they smile more & cry less, & they initiate hugs & love more often, more freely.

When I am device free, I make room for my babies. I make room for what truly matters & I so invite you to do the same. Don’t be held hostage by the dings & beeps & notifications from your phone. Do not allow your devices to determine your life. Let the call go, let the text wait; the e-mail will not disappear. Be present in what truly matters to you & do more of that.

Gotta run, time to color with Hope & turn this phone off, so I can be completely present in this beautiful messy life of motherhood!

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