numbing

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Hi, I’m Mel & I’m an emotional eater. I eat when I’m sad. I eat when overwhelmed. I eat when something doesn’t go my way. I eat when I’m happy. I seek out the bad stuff & I eat it with joy so that I can push the sludge that I don’t want to deal with further down. I cover it up with food. I eat badly. I love Taco Bell, Chik fil a, Arby’s, Sonic, & more. I numb by eating. I numb the bad stuff. The problem is that when we numb the bad, we also numb the good. Some do drugs, some drink alcohol, some have a lot of sex, & some scroll facebook unhealthily. We all numb when things get hard, it just looks different for each individual person. I numb with food- the bad foods, the fried & sugary foods, the forbidden foods, & I lack portion control. I’ve gained 20 pounds of emotional eating. I’m not taking care of myself. Bad food make me less tolerant of my kids behaviors, less patient, more sleepy, more bitchy, more irritable, more depressed, more messy, more anxious, & more snappy. I’m not my best self when I numb with food- it’s a temporary fix, truly. Lately, when shit has hit the fan, I’ve dodged to the nearest fast food joint & pigged out. It’s so good in the moment & then the guilt & stomach-ache settles in & I feel even worse than before. So, I decided to make a shift & cut out white flour & sugar, one day @ a time, one meal @ a time, to see if I could really tell a difference. It has been 5 days. Y’all, I feel amazing. It’s as if my eyes have widened & the world seems more vibrant & more colorful & more joyful. I have more energy & my kids are more silly these days because maybe I’m more tolerant of their goofy & loud antics. My anxiety seems at bay & I don’t feel sluggish. Tummy looks flatter & have already dropped 5 pounds! I made a teeny tiny shift in my lifestyle & it’s made me feel so much better. A simple shift has created a happier & more confident Mel. So instead of numbing with food, I’m going to walk into whatever it is I need to face & deal with it head on, even if it’s scary & I’m trembling through the process. I’m not going around it, above it, or below it. I’m walking in & I’m facing whatever it is that I need to do to be my healthiest self. I’m not going to live there. I’m going to handle it & take good care of me in the process. I have control over myself. There will be days (like Thanksgiving) & moments (like yesterday when I ate tortilla chips) that I fall off course. I’ll get back on & I won’t beat myself up over it. I have a long way to go, but, damn it, I am worth it. My husband & kids deserve the best mom & wife, possible. I can control what goes in this body of mine & I’m going to make it a big goal of mine to be conscious of what goes in, so I can be my best to my family & the world I live in.

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