Perfection is an Illusion by Melissa Rosella

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She bought Gucci shoes. She only buys name brand clothes. She got plastic surgery that included a breast augmentation, a rhinoplasty, & a tummy tuck. She has long blonde locks, like Goldie Locks. Every hair is in place. Her makeup is perfection. She gets her teeth whitened. She wears designer  shoes & buys uber pricey handbags with visible labels so everyone knows. She’s a mom of 4. Her house is decorated straight out of Restoration Hardware.

She’s stunning to look at & if you took off all the makeup  & took away the Brazilian blowout & she hadn’t had any plastic sugary at all- she’d be even more beautiful, naturally beautiful.

It’s all a cover up for the pain that is deep within her soul. Her mom died of cancer right when they were reconnecting after estrangement of 10 or more years.  Her brother is a heroin addict & few know. He’s been in & out of rehab more times that she can count. Her dad has allowed her brother to live in his home & has enabled his addiction because he simply does not know any other way to cope. He’s an enabler.

She’s a taker. She takes what she can get from the giving spirits of the world. She tells herself she deserves everything she buys. It’s sad that she feels the need to cover up her truth with expensive shoes & pricey bags & over the top costly extensions. She’s not super kind or super friendly or super approachable. She lives with a lot of pain, but would rather die than let anyone dare see her truth. She believes  if she acts the part, looks the part, & is ‘just so,’ no one will know or suspect the brokenness & pain & wear & tear that uncomfortably rests inside.

It’s sad, really. If she could just let me in & be real & take off the fucking eyelash extensions & throw on a cheapie Target top & some rubber beach flip flops & throw that hair in a messy bun & embrace the chaos & messiness of her life, she would be accepted & loved & embraced, as is. There is no need for the glitz and glamour. It’s a lot of work covering up & pushing down  feelings & masking our true identity. It’s exhausting. Utterly exhausting.

I know all about covering up. I had my truth pointed out to me. I was pissed because I knew it was true & it isn’t a becoming trait of mine that I truly want the world to know. The mask has to come off. I love giving gifts & buying gifts & helping people & saving others & fixing problems. One day, I spent too much money & I took this over- the -top gigantic gift to a beloved friend’s baby shower & it stood out like a sore thumb amongst the rest. It was  huge.

Brian pointed out to me that by doing this, I might be making others feel bad or not good enough or less than or faulty, somehow. Not everyone has the means to spend as much, make it as brightly decorative, or buy the biggest & best & most treasured gift of all. It is the thought that counts, but I want to be the best giver. I began to pull back. Pulling back for me is hard. Me doing anything with subtlety is really hard because I am bold & colorful & bright & loud & sparkly. I love attention. I love the spotlight. I can be a little too self-absorbed at times. I dug deep & realized I’ve done this for years to try and make up for what I thought I lacked on the inside. I thought: there is no way I can be loved as is. I thought I was not enough: not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not giving enough, not smart enough, & the list goes on. Always had to buy the bigger and better & most gifts  for my friend’s b-day parties, weddings, or kid’s parties. I always have to volunteer the most & donate most often & help at the drop of a dime & participate more than necessarily needed. I am the yes gal & I will do whatever it takes to help, even if it stretches me too far. I do want to help, my intentions are true, but I want to outshine all the others. I want to stand out. I want to go above and beyond.  I never know when enough is enough & so I keep going.

I have friends that know about my giving heart and caring spirit and my helpful nature & they use me for my overly giving ways until they don’t need me anymore & then they throw me to the wolves & when I am in need, they are no where to be found. What I’ve learned is it is not about the amount of help, how long, how big, or how expensive the gift or service is. It’s all about just showing up & following through & doing what you say you are going to do. My best friend since ’98, Sam, used to always ask why I felt the need to try so hard all the time, why I’m always so hard on myself, & why I do not give myself the credit I deserve. She’s wise beyond her years & she’s the one I run to for reality checks. I thought that if I bought the best & biggest & most decorative gifts of all, that my friends would like me best. Seems silly and sad. It definitely stems from childhood. Truth is, I am enough. These days, I catch myself going overboard, spending too much money, & getting crazy with my giving heart & spirit. I have to pull back the reins & put my hand over my thoughtful heart & remember  who I am & why I am loved & what makes me special comes from within, not on the outside. What matters  is that I showed up. My presence is the present. Your presence is the present. I am loved as I am. I never have to try to be more than I am. I am enough. I was born enough. I radiate love through my actions & my giving spirit & my very purpose for living: to help make the world better every single day. I love. I am love. You love. You are love. & when we know better, we do better. I am a work in progress, there is no arrival- it is all a process.

I hate masks. I especially hate clown masks. They scare me. I say take off the mask & be you with all of your dirty laundry & messiness & imperfections & typos & hiccups & falls & stumbles & mistakes & just embrace your life. Live your most authentic life. Show up. Be seen. Be brave. Be real. You will survive & be better for it.

I wish everyone could be real. I wish she could, too. I wish she could cry & hug me & tell me all that she feels inside & ask for help & go to therapy & walk through the pain & walk through the anger & push through the frustration of coming from a broken family. I wish she did not measure her worth by what she wears & how she looks & how often she works out & the number on the scale.

We have to allow ourselves to be seen: the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty, the hard side, the soft side, & we mustn’t hold it in because that is what causes us to become ill & depressed & sad.

I invite you not to numb the pain through: appearing a certain way, spending too much money, being the yes girl, drinking, shopping, doing drugs, eating, hiding, pretending, or perfecting. It’s dangerous & fatal & you will suffocate & you will be miserable. Just stop. Be you & stop trying to fit in & be someone you aren’t. I love you, without all the fluff, just you, beloved.

Put away the makeup, take back the handbag, take out your blonde extensions, & open up your heart & soul & share your story with someone that has earned the right to hear it, that will love you, no matter what,  & will not bat a single eyelash hearing your truth & the events of your life. Surrender & be loved & be held & know YOU are LOVE. Your worth was earned the moment of conception. Stop trying to earn it & just embrace who you are. You are not your past. I love you for you. I love you & I am here for you & I will hold your hand through every tear. I will never leave you because my love for you is unconditional & bullet proof.

I just wish you had the courage to be your authentic self. I am certain I’d love you more & we’d be closer than ever. Until then, dear friend, I hope you find your path to authenticity & feel brave enough to come forward and own who you are. May you remember the following brilliant words.

“Unconditionally”

Katy Perry

Oh no, did I get too close oh?

Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don’t need apologies
Know that you are all worthy
I’ll take your bad days with your good
Walk through this storm I would
I’d do it all because I love you, I love you

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart, and just let it begin
Open up your heart, and just let it begin
Open up your heart
Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
And there is no fear now
Let go and just be free
‘Cause I will love you unconditionally (oh yeah)

I will love you
I will love you
I will love you unconditionally

 

 

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