Suicide is a tough pill for me to swallow. Far too many beautiful souls have taken their own lives. It rips my heart out again & again.
I met Cam at a training. He was tan, cute, & a surfer looking boy from CA., originally from PHX. He took notes even though they recommended not doing so.
He was kind & compassionate & one of those souls that looked you in the eye when he talked to you. He was open & vulnerable & sweet & a good listener. I wish he would have told me what was really underneath that mask. I wish I could have helped him. I would have done all I could to have helped him out of the dark & into the light, even if just for a moment in time.
We were asked to sit in a different place each time there was a break. It was no accident I was placed next to Cam more than once. He laughed an infectious laugh- one that will be remembered, always. I wish I would have hugged him a little tighter. I wish I would have connected with him just a little more, but now it is too late.
I remember thinking he was organized, one of those type A guys, open, honest, & communicative. I wish I would have said more. I wish I would have asked him more questions.
I met Cam on a Friday & he committed suicide on Monday. I’ve asked myself if there is something I could have said to have made him think twice about taking his own life.
I searched for him, before I learned of his death, at our very last training, Tuesday, because I wanted to tell him he’d made an impact on me- that he was a gift. I wondered where he was & then was informed, the next day, about him falling victim of suicide.
I remember him looking at me after I’d been super vulnerable about my high school life experience and he said: “My biggest problem in high school was what series Beemer my parents were going to buy me.” He was from an affluent family. I wish I knew more about what made Cam who he was.
I’ve searched for reasons, explanations, & details. I find myself completely stumped.
A dear friend of mine found out his office cubicle buddy killed himself, today. He’d sat close to him for weeks on end without much thought. My friend noticed his office mate peering over at his cubicle, perhaps searching for a friend, a lunch buddy, or an empathetic ear, but my friend did not want to deal & so he would deliberately ignore him.
When my friend was telling me this, he began to get teary-eyed, as if acknowledgement of his office buddy could have/ would have prevented his death at his own hands, somehow, in some way.
We just want to be seen. We are wired for connection. It does not matter if you are 2 or 92, we are hard-wired for human connection. We just want to know that we have relevance, that we matter, & that our unique & one of a kind presence makes an impact, big or small.
There are so many of us on the planet searching for relevance and worth. Some of us look to others for validation, relevance, worth, & acceptance. It’s within us, not in someone else’s belief about us, not out there, & not IN something.
We are relevant from the moment of conception.
We are worthy the moment we’re born.
We just need to be looked at, in the eye, & told that we matter, that we are seen, & that we’re special in some way.
I wish I could bring them all back. I’d wave a magic pixie wand & they’d all reappear & be reminded, until it completely & permanently sunk in, that they ARE: relevant, unique, beautiful, AND one of a kind. & that when they are not here the whole wide world will never ever ever be the same, because their being made the world brighter, more beautiful, more kind, more loving, more unique, & a more wonderful place.
It breaks my heart that someone would not see themselves as we see them- beautiful, unique, & incredibly gifted beings with one of a kind fingerprints, & a being that only ever can exist one time & never ever be duplicated.
So… if no one has told you:
You are seen.
You are of value.
Your presence DOES matter.
You were created in the eyes of the Lord & He does not make mistakes.
If you are feeling low, seek help, & if you do not know who to call, inbox me & we can chat about what makes you wonderful.
You were truly a special gift.