Anxiety is stifling & makes me feel stuck in my tracks, as if the bottoms of my shoes have glue on them & I’m trying to take a single step & can’t.
I often hear, “move on,” “don’t take it personally,” “you are looking into it too much,” “you are creating a story,” “let it go,” & “let it slide off your back.” These comments come from non- anxiety sufferers. They do not understand. Those that do not suffer from anxiety can’t possibly know what it feels like to live with it.
If I could snap my fingers, just like that, & instantaneously stop worrying I would. Anxiety is not a choice & it can’t be switched on or off. It is always looming & lingering & waiting in the wings to make itself known, to make me feel vulnerable, less than, or not enough.
It can be managed with medication & Prozac works to a degree, but still anxiety lingers. It never ever makes this evil bug- a- boo fully disappear. Acupuncture & therapy & positive affirmations help, but they do not make anxiety disappear. It’s truly difficult to manage & to push through. Some days, it is damn near impossible.
If I had a magic wand, I’d wave it over all the victims of anxiety. It is ugly, awful, painful, & can be hellish, at times. Some days are worse than others.
My anxiety ridden ego often keeps me up at night, makes me second guess myself, makes me think the same thoughts over & over & over again, forces me to ask what if questions, veers me towards the shoulda’s/ woulda’s/ & coulda’s, makes me second guess myself, & often makes me question my purpose /my worth/ & my relevance.
It feels uncomfortable & uneasy & frustrating. I so try to step out of it, but it is as if the floor is covered in honey & I’m painstakingly trying to make my way through to the other side- the calm side & I’m trying to take a breath of fresh air, but I’m stuck in stickiness & I can’t quite make it, no matter how hard I try.
The anxiety ridden ego boasts that I’m too big for my britches, it asks who do I think I am, it whispers that I’m not qualified, that I’m not the best I can be, that I don’t measure up as a mom, that I fall short in keeping my house as clean as it should be, & it convinces me that I’m not keeping my car in as pristine condition as I should. It hits below the belt & attacks my character in subtle ways.
My anxiety ridden ego picks at my face in the mirror & notices the ever so small imperfections & the wrinkles. I feel shame when squeezing into my skinny jeans while my muffin top spills over because of that bully voice in my head that tries to tell me I was better when I was skinnier & weighed less. As if my weight somehow makes me good or bad, pretty or ugly, acceptable or unacceptable. I know better, but still that nagging tries to make me think otherwise.
If I could just learn to tame & control & ignore my stupid ego, I’m certain my anxiety would be lessened. I just want to stop worrying about things that aren’t going to happen, to stop obsessing over what has already happened, & to stop worrying about what could happen. All the while, this worrying is completely taking me away from the present beautiful moment. I am so sure my life would be better, happier, more joyful, & all around great if I could just breathe & let go.
I have to shut out the ego, the negative voices in my head that like to cut me down & belittle me & make me feel not good enough. I have to stop allowing this anxiety ridden ego to have power over me- to turn the words from negative put downs into positive affirmations.
I have to learn how to thought stop & control what I have control over- me & my reactions. Not all things have to have meaning, depth, or an explanation. Not all things can be explained, they just are what they are & that is it. I have to recognize that the voice in my head is my ego & it is not my truth. Its default is set up to put me down & I have to shut that shit off if I want to live my happiest life. It is so much easier to say than to do.
It is when I listen to that nasty little voice that makes me utterly miserable & so unhappy & it is that very voice that makes me question my greatness, my worth, & my relevance.
Mine says, “You are not a good writer, no one is going to read this.” But I know better, because I don’t write for others, I write to heal, to forgive, & to grow. I write in hopes that someone will read my point of view & see themselves in my writing & maybe it will help them heal, forgive, or grow.
I have to learn to decipher between who I am & my ego. They are not the same thing. The ego can torment me, make me anxious, make me doubt my greatness, & make me feel insecure where I once felt secure.
I’ve yet to master shutting off the voice that says I’m not enough. It’s getting quieter & I’m learning to recognize it more, but it takes conscience practice, mindfulness, & awareness. It’s a daily practice.
I have to make certain that I listen to my heart & soul. I must work to be confident in who I am- to know, with absolute certainty, that I was perfectly made in the eyes of the Lord & the Lord makes no mistakes.
Love & embrace yourself. Be self-compassionate more than necessary. Hug yourself. Be kind to yourself. Say positive things in the mirror about your one of a kindness.